Reginald Boltry rocketed upright, straight out of sleep, with a smile on his face. He spent a few momemts catching his breath, letting the blood return to his brain, while reveling in his favorite Ethel Merman dream. For Roger, there was little else better in life than being woken up by Ethel belting out at a fortondoando level: “Butt cheese in the morning! Then just walk away!” Butt cheese! Not likely. More like squalid ooze of unkown origin that had been left out in the sun for too long. But Reginald liked grandmas. All his best lovers were older than 70.

Roger threw back the sheets and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His dream was not only refreshing and exhilarating, it was downright as sexy as grandma butter. He wanted to feel just like he did now for the remainder of his day, but he knew the chances of that happening were about as good as him becoming as fat as Ethel Merman before she had her last turkey drumstick. Not that he was thin, just not fat enough. He dreamed of carrying 350 pounds [how many stone is that?], but no matter how much he ate, he never could tip the scales beyond 300.

Roger sat on the edge of the bed and thought about leaving a note for his loved ones: “If I ever get as fat as Ethel, please ensure you get insurance on me before cutting the brake lines; careening around a tight bend and tumbling off a cliff into the Atlantic might not be a bad way to go. Unfortunately, if I am fat as Ethel and I survive the impact, I’ll probably float. So, to be certain for certain, craft and install a device in the driver’s seat that deploys under high-load, high-g situations – a device that will ram five sharp, high amperage electrical suppositories deep into my rectum. If the water doesn’t get me, the zapping will. “

Not even two minutes into his day, and Roger could feel his mood shifting south. He had no loved ones -- no one to read his missive, no matter how inane.

All the bad decisions he had ever made in his life seemed to collect before him like a game of short straws. Why did he choose France? He could have gone to Riga and been free and clear, and Riga babes were hot, hungry, and eager to please older guys with rigs like his.